Are you stuck?
Most of us have gotten stuck in the past at one time or another; sometimes for long periods of time.
Unfortunately, the past is a very unproductive place to be: it steals opportunity and joy. By affecting today, it diminishes tomorrow as well. It is essential to move on.
But how? Here are some tips from someone who also has been stuck:
Forgive what needs to be forgiven.
Forgiveness is for you. It is in your own best self-interest. Hard? Yes it can be. But forgiving is essential. In instructing the disciples how to pray, Jesus said: “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Jesus said that if “you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive you.” Later, He told a parable that concludes if we don’t forgive from our hearts, the Father will turn us over to the torturers.
But sometimes knowing you need to forgive isn’t enough. The memory of something horrible, something unfair, something hurtful may stymie you.
The key is to choose to forgive even if you don’t feel like it. This is an act of the will. It is a choice. It is not a feeling. God is gracious and often gives us the feelings later. But initially it is a choice which you, in fact, can make. Don’t confuse “can’t” with “won’t.” You can. The question is whether you will.
Here are a few things that might help. Reframe things by separating the person from what the person did. The person who hurt you is a flawed human being. S/he was damaged in some way. What they did had everything to do with the hurt person they were and, perhaps, little or even nothing to do with you. Their intention might have been different than their impact. Remember we are all sinners; we are all living in a fallen world.
Once, when I was stuck and hadn’t yet forgiven the person, I heard the Lord say to me: “If not now, when?” Good question. If you haven’t yet forgiven someone, but know you need to, if you don’t do it now, when will you? I urge you to forgive now and start healing.
Confess what needs to be confessed.
One definition of maturity is that we know which stuff to own. Sometimes adults blame themselves for hurt done to them when they were young children, when it was really solely the problem of the person doing the hurting. The horrible tales of child abuse and neglect, for example, do not require confession on the part of the child, but do require the now-adult to forgive.
However, for hurts later in life, there is usually some contribution by the hurt party, even if it was just denial or failure to confront.
Almost always for those stuck in the past, regardless of how old we were when it happened, there is a need to confess lack of forgiveness. So—back to Step 1
Learn what can be learned.
This step goes along with, but is different than, Step 2. Capturing lessons gives us the opportunity to not only grow and mature ourselves, but gives us the ability to help others in similar spots. It helps us do things differently the next time. It helps bring goodness out of bad.
Forget what lies behind and press forward to what lies ahead.
Paul called himself the chief of sinners. He persecuted, and participated in murder. And yet he was the author of much of the New Testament. He started churches. He preached and exhorted. He is seen as a spiritual giant. He told the Philippians about one thing he did: “…forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3: 13b-14)
Someone told a wonderful story about a mistake made by a nephew and how the nephew agonized about what he had done: “If only I hadn’t done that…” The uncle knew his nephew was on the road to healing when the nephew said: “Next time, I’ll…” Monitor your thinking. Are you saying “if only” or are you saying “next time?” “If only” is focused on the past, on regrets, and indicates you’re stuck. “Next time” indicates you have learned from the event and are moving on.
Do your best to forgive. Do your best to understand, confess and learn from how you might have contributed to the situation (and do your best not to take blame that isn’t yours to own). Then move on. Move forward. Train yourself to forget what lies behind and press forward to what lies ahead.
And repeat!
The first four steps are usually not a one-time deal. The deeper the hurt, the more likely all four steps will need to be repeated. That’s okay. The second cycle reveals important information you didn’t have the first time; things you’d forgotten; hurts you couldn’t face the first time; new thoughts about how you might have contributed.
The clue for when to repeat these four steps is when you start thinking more about past events or when resentment or anger resurfaces. Or, sometimes, when you become aware you’ve lost your joy.
